Where I'm Finding Myself (Again)

I used to find myself in busy inboxes,
in color-coded calendars and back-to-back meetings, 

in the signature at the bottom of my emails, 

in the comfort of always knowing what came next. 

But lately, 

I find myself somewhere else...

Pausing after someone asks, "so what do you do now?"

With a hesitation behind my smile when I answer"I'm figuring it out."

Figuring things out in: 

resumes written like love letters

cover leters drafted trying to convince someone I'm worth choosing

Job applications sent off like bottled messages hoping somone reads between the lines 

I find myself in the middle of the day 

rereading old journal entries, hoping my younger me 

left clues about who I meant to become. 

Reading signs and lingering in grocery stores

and reading labels as if they have answers. 

Sipping coffee in unfamiliar cafes

hoping warmth can fill more than just cups.

Leaving a job feels like leaving a name behind. 

Not the one my family calls me, 

But the one the world seemed to value most. 

Without this, I'm learning to fill the space differently; 

wondering if being present is enough.

There's a sense of loneliness in feeling like you're standing still 

while everyone moves quickly forward. 

Buy maybe stillness isn't failure. 

Maybe this pause is an invitation. 

Kind of like a quiet and gentle homecoming of sorts. 

Lately I've been finding myself in new palces. 

In late night talks/hangouts without deadlines. 

In laughter that fgorgets to mention Linkedin

and hopefully in sunrises I never paused to see. 

In being someone, before proving anything. 

And although I don't have every answer yet, 

I have to remind myself that I have time. 

And for the first time, that feels more like a gift 

and less like a sentence.