Confronting Myself

These past two quarters I had the opportunity to take two classes that allowed for critical self reflection: Inclusive Excellence in Organizations (IE in Orgs) and Critical Race Theory (CRT). These classes made me realize some things that I am ashamed of. But in realizing this, I feel that it is my duty as an academic and as someone learning to be an activist to be transparent in my growth. 

Nearly three months ago I decided to go on a hiatus from all things social justice. I thought I was practicing self care in doing this but in reflecting back on why I decided to do that I have come to realize that I was running away from myself.

This blog post is not about me wanting empathy from others nor do I want people to justify that taking a break is necessary. 

NO.

I am using this blog to publicly state that I am guilty of many things. 

I am guilty of upholding a white supremacist system and perpetuating the stereotypes of the model minority myth. 

I am guilty of using my privilege as a cis-gender male, an Asian American and Pacific Islander, and a temporarily able-bodied individual to walk away from issues of discomfort, especially around race. 

I am guilty of using school and work as a crutch to dismiss myself from critical conversations on campus. 

I am guilty of perpetuating anti-blackness; of being a racist, a sexist, an ableist, and an ageist. 

And in confronting these identities I am publicly coming forward as having to struggle against these ideologies 

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE. 

Everyday I face an internal struggle of addressing my privileges; of choosing my battles; of attempting to be part of the fight when in reality I felt like a fraud. Not an impostor within the academy but a fraudulent activist. I saw (and sometimes still see) racial issues through a lens of selfishness. I often times caught myself thinking, "what would I gain from participating in this" or "would this make me look like a good ally if I attended this event or spoke out about this issue." In thinking this, I forgot that being an ally is not a self-proclaimed title. I was selfish in why I wanted to participate in certain events. For example, I was easily able to post my opinions on facebook but once someone commented, I backed away from the conversation, often times waiting for one of my activist friends to respond. In person, I was uncomfortable discussing the murders of Michael Brown, Eric Garner, Tamir Rice, and many others. I was able to have neutral conversations with people about these issues, but I was never able to dive deeper than making a general comment of "these are tragedies that are products of the world we live in." 

As protests spread across the US and hostility towards a legacy of racialized police violence, I continued to remain silent and admittedly, out of touch. At the pinnacle of student activism across the country, I decided to take a break from social justice to focus on school and work. Being involved felt 'too overwhelming' and my selfish ways did not allow me to sacrifice my precious personal time to address these issues. Instead, I practiced 'self-care' and decided that there were others who were better equipped to address the national crisis...after all, I was just one person. 

So inevitably, I excused my silence and my self-imposed ignorance from conversations around the national crisis. Anxiety from grad school. Coming to terms around my gender identity as pansexual. My mental health issues. My immigrant status. I had reason after reason, excuse after excuse to fall silent. 

In writing my racial autobiography for CRT, I was forced to identify the root of the issue - FEAR. In writing this, I feel tears forming as I am finally coming to terms with my discomfort about my own racialized experience and the shame I feel about not knowing the histories of my culture. I let my fear and the pain of my internalized identities to prevent me from participating in activism on campus and in my local community. 

I was afraid to uncover some really deep messed up shit about myself. I was afraid of outing myself as a fraudulant activist. And most importantly, I was afraid to show vulnerability when discussing these issues. As an emotional person who is perceived to not have any emotions, I have felt comfortable in the privilege of sitting on the margins of society...allowing myself to pick my battles when it best suited me. In years past, I was applauded for being a chameleon in the face of adversity. I was proud of this...but more recently I have come to terms that I have allowed myself to feel comfort in upholding a system that perpetuates the dominant narrative of whiteness. In my silence, I practiced anti-blackness, color-blindness, and interest convergence - systems and ideologies that my IE in Orgs and CRT courses attempted to deconstruct. I contributed to reinforcing the message that race and racism were not worthwhile topics. 

In publicly announcing this about myself, I am keeping myself accountable to disrupt these ideologies. So here are promises I hope to keep as I learn more about myself and my positionality within a racialized society:

1. Do my homework and learn the facts and the timeline of events
2. Check my privilege 

My ideas of activism is undermined by racist academic norms and practices, isolation, lack of support, as well as the resultant fear and self-doubt. To others who remain too afraid to speak up, you are not alone. Ideally, I hope to make it clear that higher education is complicit in the silence and ignorance that surrounds racist police violence, and racism in general. We fail to provide students with the critical lens necessary to connect what they learn in the classroom with what is shown (or ignored) by the media. We fail to demonstrate the relevance of academic scholarship to the real world, and to take serious topics such as race and racism in the classroom. White students are not challenged to see their own racial privileges and how their actions, and often times inactions, contribute to the perpetuation of racism. Many students of color do not see themselves on campuses, in text books, in the media. This is in the midst of higher education's role in perpetuating racial inequities, while producing a generation of 'post-racials.' 

Finally, this post serves to break my silence. I have once again learned the hard way that my silence does not protect me from racialized experiences within a predominantly white society. 

Conformity and Silence: My journey of Self

What I've learned throughout my four years at the University of Denver is that my personal biography has and will impact my scholarly search and community involvement. As a first generation Filipino American who grew up in Honolulu, HI, I was under a lot of pressure to "reach the American dream" or to "become more American" because it would help me "succeed in life." This was the rhetoric that I grew up in and at the time, I believed it. I pushed my cultural identity and was consumed by mass media to perform like the norm. I felt pressured to live up to the expectations that were placed on me and because of that my decision to attend a white institution was instantaneous and easy. It seemed like the right decision.

During my first year at university, I thought that grades would dictate my life. Then I got involved with different cultural groups and being easily influenced at the time, I submitted to conformity. I loved the idea of experiencing the "college life" and because of that I was easily swayed to believe that my identity belonged to the people I hung around with. The color of my skin, my cultural background, and my otherness became a punchline that I had to deal with constantly. I hid behind laughter and internalized those microaggressions. I took the jokes like punches and I perceived my silence as a form of strength. "I will not let them break me" I thought and I continued on with my life. 

"What once was an expression of who I was - acting - also became my hiding place."

Because of these experiences, I began pushing away my cultural identity and laughing at the jokes that were made in my honor. I became a fetishization in the eyes of my white counterparts and I was the token Filipino/Hawaiian. My dark skin equated to diversity and my height became a hindrance. For over half of my college experience I wanted a lighter skin color, a taller build, and to become integrated in to the white culture. I became a Greek and joined a traditional fraternity. I began embracing that culture and took part in its many activities. I loved being a "bro" to my friends who were not part of it because it made me feel like I boosted my social status. (Don't get me wrong, I love my fraternity). 

Then I went to Australia and everything changed. I had too much time on my hands and self-reflection became a part of my daily routine. The 15 minute commute to the beach made me question "what the f**k was I doing with my life" and "why I was so unhappy." These questions came easy; the answer, on the other hand, did not. Going back to the states made me realize that I was running from my problems. Of course, I did nothing about it. I went back to the party scene - no responsibilities, no job, nothing - what did I have to lose? 

My moment of clarity did not come until my last year of college. Even now, as I write this piece, I am still learning more about myself that I did not realize before. I've become too complacent. I have become so saturated within this American culture that I am beginning to regret the opportunities that I have missed out on. I have pushed away my Filipino identity so much that I'm not sure where to begin. I don't even remember speaking the language. However, self-blame is not conducive to change and so I am beginning to take part in more conversations about social justice, diversity, and cultural differences. 

Higher education has provided me with a context to examine and work toward disrupting forms of oppression, specifically racism, sexism, and classism. As I navigated through college amongst the white bodies at my university I have experienced the pain, struggle, and hardships of isolation and alienation of a Filipino American student from the dominant culture of a predominantly white institution (PWI).

I have then realized that my silence was a prison. Although it was not until recently that I realized this, I have decided to speak up against the norm.

My identity will no longer become anyone's punchline.