Complexity of being an Immigrant and an Activist

I've been grappling with this thought for quite a while now and I've sort of evaded reflecting on this topic with more success than I could imagine. However, recent events and the racial tensions within our country have almost coerced me to unpack this truth that kept me from truly becoming a leader within my community.

I am an Immigrant. I am an Activist. But I cannot be both at the same time. 

How could I? 

I am a first-generation student whose family emigrated from the Philippines nearly 18 years ago and these are the the realities that I was always afraid of facing.

The reason why I was afraid of reflecting on this issue was because I was scared of feeling marginalized from those around me. I don't like feeling left out and by stating that I am an immigrant, I was under the impression that I would be treated differently; treated as the other. This has made me revisit some internalized oppressions that I thought I had already come to terms with. I feared being made fun of for being from another country; for having an accent; for not being a local. I was afraid of not fitting in with the other kids and I was (and possibly still am) not ready to feel this way. Because of these assumptions that I learned growing up, I have become afraid...almost to a point where I feel stuck.

There are times when I tell myself that I should just be complacent. But the lack of action would not sit right with me. It would be unfair for those who see potential in me. It would be unfair for my parents who have sacrificed so much for me to pursue a higher education. It would be unfair for those who are struggling with more issues than I currently am.

Yet I still cannot find my voice when it comes to activism. I feel as if I have a good grasp on social justice and equitable practices but I cannot push too hard because of not knowing how far the law could protect an immigrant like myself. I want change. I'll ask for it. But I do not feel comfortable leading any initiative.

"If you commit any crime as a U.S. citizen, you will face criminal penalties. However, as a non U.S. citizen (even if permanent resident), if you commit any crime, in addition to all the criminal penalties, it is also an immigrant problem. Additionally, you will be taken to an immigration judge and your legal status may be jeopardized in the U.S., you may lose your green card or have serious consequences on being able to apply for U.S. citizenship in the future." 

I am afraid of speaking out and attending protests because although I am a permanent resident, I still am not fully protected by the constitution. Even during times of silent protests there is a possibility of police push back. And this unknown is what scares me.

Even speaking out too much could get me into trouble. In truth, I sometimes envy those who are able to speak out for others. That is a privilege that not many people think about but it is a privilege nonetheless.

Because of these fears, I've come to feel inadequate as a student leader. My voice wavers and my ideas trail off. I am afraid of being an activist. And I am still trying to navigate how to accept my immigrant identity yet become an activist/ally during these tough times for communities of color.

I am at a crossroads...and I realize that it'll take time for me to become comfortable addressing social justice issues and this non salient identity I hold. I guess it'll be another thing to add to the list of things to do during my journey in grad school.

My Journey Thus Far...

Entering grad school has been one of the most exciting parts of my life thus far. Why? It's because as a grad student I get a sense of what it's like to be an adult but still having the safety of two more years in school.

As a Resident Graduate Director and a full time student, I've come to realize that balancing selfishness and selflessness is more difficult than expected. And after only five weeks into the program, I've noticed that I've developed so much as an individual, although I'm sure that there's more to learn. This position has really helped me figure out some of my strengths and weaknesses. As a reflective individual, I thought it would be beneficial for me to share what I've learned so far.

1. How to Learn and Recover from Failures

Yes, failures will happen from time to time. Not having faced failures often enough growing up, I was finally able to see that I was living in blissful ignorance. Simply put: I don't take my own failures too well. When faced with that type of situation, I tend to stress out and dwell on my mistakes. I'd become anxious and frustrated that things were out of my control.

The pressure I felt made me want to drop everything because I felt that what I was doing was insignificant and meaningless, an effort that I thought would never amount to anything. Because of this unhealthy habit, I had no choice but to push through. In this line of work (Student Affairs), I feel as if I have to learn quickly and learn to get past the discomfort: a lesson I hope my students learn sooner than later.

Eventually, all my worries, doubts, fears, and criticisms faded away. 

Because of this unhealthy habit, I had no choice but to pick myself up (with some help of some supervisors, mentors, family, and friends). Even now as I move forward with this program, I'm learning to overcome my frustrations and begin remembering that my failures do not and should not define me. Slowly, I'm starting to recognize that failures are actually a normal part of life and that it is not a reflection of me as a person. During this process, I also learned that I am my own worst critic; something that I'm also trying to work on. 

In retrospect, being in grad school has taught me to accept and learn from my failures in order to move forward. This experience has helped me challenge myself in more ways than I would have expected. 

 2. The value of familial and personal relationships to help keep me MOTIVATED

If anything, your mental and physical health are very important to maintain. 

Although an introvert, I'm a fairly social person.

There are people who can get through grad school without any social interaction. Some cope with bad moments in different ways. But I will flat out say that there is NO WAY I could have gone this far without the help and support from some close friends and family.

There are just moments where I've needed the support of my loved ones to get through the most difficult of days. Sometimes it's nice to be around people that just listen to your situation, bring fresh eyes to the equation, and help you remember why you're there in the first place. 

Never have I imagined that by being away from my family and best friends would challenge me to constantly keep in contact with them in order to stay motivated. I made a promise to myself that I'd be the best student I could be when I began this program and they're the ones holding me accountable to that promise. 

#scoobydoocrewHI

So thank you to all of my friends and family members who've supported me, either emotionally or financially. Without you, I wouldn't be here.

You are enough. Today, tomorrow, and every day thereafter. You are perfectly adequate, without needing to change a single thing about yourself. This doesn't mean that you aren't allowed to want to grow, evolve or improve. It doesn't mean you don't have flaws. It means you are worthy.  It means that you deserve to love yourself in spite of your imperfections. No matter who you are, where you're from, or what you have been through, you are deserving. Be kind to yourself. You are only human

 3. Work-life balance...and the struggles

  

Never allow your energy or enthusiasm be dampened
by the discouragement that must inevitably come. 

Work life balance is very important in Student Affairs and as an individual that needs a means to take his mind off of things, I've learned to channel my energy into things that I enjoy. Being outdoors and feeling the sun helps me clear my mind. Drawing or photo editing also helps me focus on something other than work. 

Binge watching on Netflix or other TV sites has also become one of my favorite past times. I call this a mind-numbing activity because I am not implicated by any of the decisions the characters make. Although I am affected by the amount of time I spend watching these shows, it helps me relax. 

Moving forward with this whole work life balance thing, I'm hoping to get into an outside league, most likely kickball, and possibly join a dance group...most likely hula but we'll see. I've just learned that there is a benefit of getting off campus and sometimes separating social life and work life. 

4. Work Smarter and Not Harder

A simple philosophy but difficult to achieve without the right tools. Since the beginning of this program, I've learned that multitasking doesn't necessarily equate to productivity.

The other grad students have stated this time and time again but I never knew the meaning until I was swamped with readings and papers. Even my TA told me to focus on things I was interesting in and just skim on topics that I wasn't in to. Once I realized that doing so could save me time and effort, I've become less stressed about school work. 

This idea also empowered me to say NO more often. With so many things happening at once, you just have to know when to put your foot down and defend your priorities. Yes, hanging out with friends is important, but so is finishing a paper that's due the next day. I've found that if there are no boundaries and expectations set, then things will eventually get out of hand.

Overall, I've learned that effective time management is key to getting everything done but still allowing me to keep my sanity. 

5. Communication is an art form

Being the Administrator on Call for the week made me more appreciative of what my supervisors go through. After dealing with parents and frustrated students, I now understand that people have different ways of communicating and the awkwardness of silence actually helps. I've always been good at reading people's emotions so that helps me get a sense of how people are feeling. 

In terms of small groups, I've always known that communication is key but for some reason, I've regressed from doing so. In small groups, I'm usually better at expressing concerns but similar to navigating the space of grad school, I'm also beginning to navigate relationships within the different groups I'm involved in, either with the cohort or with the other housing grads. Because of this added layer, I've become nervous about asking questions and taking a step back, afraid that I may be bringing the group back to square one. However, after some hard conversations, I've learned the asking questions are required and being on the same page as everyone only helps create a better product. 

The Housing Staff out and about 

I've also learned that boundaries are necessary to establish. There were moments during this program where I've isolated myself from the groups because I had a difficult time separating my personal relationship with my work relationships. But in Student Affairs, that's not a simple task to accomplish. Personally, I believe there's a fine line between having personal relationships that affect work relationships but because I live and work at the same place, I had to reevaluate my definition of what that line was. 

This lesson is essential for future student affairs professionals because the sooner they figure out that these lines are blurred, the better they'll  be at adjusting to the difficulties of living where they work. 

6. Enjoy the moments no matter how little they may be

This is a little more self-explanatory. Five weeks in and I feel more confident about the choices that I make and the skills that I bring to the table. 

With that though, I need to constantly remember that it's okay to let loose once in a while and to take this program as a learning experience. It's okay to make mistakes and it's okay to be wrong. What matters is how we choose to move forward from those experiences. 

Finding a means to balance the demands of a social life, a professional life, and school work will enable me to not only succeed, but also keep me from experiencing high levels of stress and, ultimately, burnout. 

I'm slowly learning. I'm learning to take in the good and the bad, one moment at a time. And that's what matters most...the fact that I'm learning.  

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * 

Sometimes a thing, a message, a bit of words finds itself into our path just about at the exact moment we need to hear it.  These moments are best when we had no idea we needed to hear this exact ‘it’ at all.  It’s like the simultaneous hit direct to the soul of ‘you’re okay’ and the sigh of relief of ‘someone else has been there too.’

I hope that this blog post helps someone today.  

Starting with the "Why?"

As many of you may know, I will be attending graduate school at the Morgridge College of Education at the University of Denver to receive a masters in Higher Education. Recently, I've been contemplating on how and why I ended up where I am today. As a reflective individual, I wanted to be able to provide a concrete answer to questions as to what Student Affair professionals do and why I chose that field. So here's my shot at it.

"Your profession is not what brings home your weekly paycheck, your profession is what you're put here on Earth to do, with such passion and such intensity that it becomes spiritual in calling." 

Never have I ever imagined that I would be going in to a profession that allowed me to work in an educational environment. When I first stumbled on to Student Affairs I was confused as to what it was. One day my advisor asked me whether I considered going into student affairs. Never having heard of it, I inquired.

To those that do not know what it is, here's a quick reference. Student Affairs is a division within Higher Education that emphasizes on student development and provides services to students on college campuses (e.g. residence life, student activities, admissions, career development, etc.). "Student Affairs professionals are educators outside of the classroom environment, allowing students to put theory and experience together to gain a more holistic view of themselves and their experiences leading up to their current situation. As necessary as this profession may sound, it is still rising to the level of awareness and legitimacy among other higher education colleagues in academia and the overall general public."

So to my parents, my family members, and to those curious enough to question why I chose this profession. Here it is. The reasons why I chose student affairs, in no particular order:

1. Becoming a True Servant Leader: 
• Student Affairs will allow me to work with students to develop their leadership and personal skills to succeed in their future profession. Personally, I love witnessing those transformational moments and realizing that you've had some impact on someone's life. This will allow me to truly meet students where they are and work together to find the best possible solution to reach their goals 
2. Mentorship Opportunity: 
• I've had multiple advisors and mentors throughout my college career that have shaped my personal development and experience.  Without their help, I would not have succeeded in the different areas of my life. In turn, I would like to provide the same opportunity to other students and become their mentor
3. Garner support amongst colleagues and department:

• This field is probably one of the most supportive fields to work in. In high school and undergrad, I was an overachieving over-involved student leader, juggling multiple student organizations, involvement in a fraternity, working as a Resident Assistant, and more. Because of this, I've come to realize that the support from colleagues and mentors alike are essential to the growth of a student. 
• I've also come to realize that working with like-minded individuals is the best and most efficient way to complete a project and create a change. (Proof from my attendance and participation within the Dungy Leadership Institute - Right pic) 
4. Participation in discourse around social justice issues and inclusivity:
• It is imperative that we engage in conversations and create spaces of discourse around social justice issues. There are far too many students who are unaware of various types of oppression and the pedagogies that surround it. This profession would also allow me to continuously participate in these conversations and help educate, not only myself on certain issues, but students as well. I believe that it is not only the job of the oppressed to educate others, but that of their allies and the institutions they partake in. 
5. Collaboration with University Departments:
• Because I am staying at the University of Denver, I hope to use my connections on campus to make some sort of institutional change. As of right now, my personal project is to create an Ethnic Studies minor in order to truly become an institution dedicated to the public good.
6. Gain transferable skills for my future endeavours:
• I do not necessarily see myself in student affairs forever. However, taking the opportunity to learn from this masters program and from my assistantship, I hope to become a well-rounded individual who is capable in dealing with various situations and stressors that any task will throw at me. From dealing with time management, work-life balance, conduct cases, policy violations, and student issues, I hope to have gathered enough experience throughout this process to be able to sell myself once I graduate from my masters program.

I will continuously add on to this list as I have not started my masters program yet. However, I hope that this gives people an idea as to why I chose this field and what I hope to gain from my experiences in these next two years of graduate school. 

"I want to remember that no one is going to make my dreams come true for me...it is my job to get up everyday and work toward the things that are deepest in my heart... and enjoy every step of the journey rather than wishing I was already where I wanted to end up." 

As an aspiring student affairs professional, I want to learn the best practices to foster innovation and set a foundation for the students and colleagues I work with. I hope to create transformational moments one step at a time. From this day forward when I go about my daily responsibilities, I will do so with a goal of contributing to the fulfillment of this vision.

Conformity and Silence: My journey of Self

What I've learned throughout my four years at the University of Denver is that my personal biography has and will impact my scholarly search and community involvement. As a first generation Filipino American who grew up in Honolulu, HI, I was under a lot of pressure to "reach the American dream" or to "become more American" because it would help me "succeed in life." This was the rhetoric that I grew up in and at the time, I believed it. I pushed my cultural identity and was consumed by mass media to perform like the norm. I felt pressured to live up to the expectations that were placed on me and because of that my decision to attend a white institution was instantaneous and easy. It seemed like the right decision.

During my first year at university, I thought that grades would dictate my life. Then I got involved with different cultural groups and being easily influenced at the time, I submitted to conformity. I loved the idea of experiencing the "college life" and because of that I was easily swayed to believe that my identity belonged to the people I hung around with. The color of my skin, my cultural background, and my otherness became a punchline that I had to deal with constantly. I hid behind laughter and internalized those microaggressions. I took the jokes like punches and I perceived my silence as a form of strength. "I will not let them break me" I thought and I continued on with my life. 

"What once was an expression of who I was - acting - also became my hiding place."

Because of these experiences, I began pushing away my cultural identity and laughing at the jokes that were made in my honor. I became a fetishization in the eyes of my white counterparts and I was the token Filipino/Hawaiian. My dark skin equated to diversity and my height became a hindrance. For over half of my college experience I wanted a lighter skin color, a taller build, and to become integrated in to the white culture. I became a Greek and joined a traditional fraternity. I began embracing that culture and took part in its many activities. I loved being a "bro" to my friends who were not part of it because it made me feel like I boosted my social status. (Don't get me wrong, I love my fraternity). 

Then I went to Australia and everything changed. I had too much time on my hands and self-reflection became a part of my daily routine. The 15 minute commute to the beach made me question "what the f**k was I doing with my life" and "why I was so unhappy." These questions came easy; the answer, on the other hand, did not. Going back to the states made me realize that I was running from my problems. Of course, I did nothing about it. I went back to the party scene - no responsibilities, no job, nothing - what did I have to lose? 

My moment of clarity did not come until my last year of college. Even now, as I write this piece, I am still learning more about myself that I did not realize before. I've become too complacent. I have become so saturated within this American culture that I am beginning to regret the opportunities that I have missed out on. I have pushed away my Filipino identity so much that I'm not sure where to begin. I don't even remember speaking the language. However, self-blame is not conducive to change and so I am beginning to take part in more conversations about social justice, diversity, and cultural differences. 

Higher education has provided me with a context to examine and work toward disrupting forms of oppression, specifically racism, sexism, and classism. As I navigated through college amongst the white bodies at my university I have experienced the pain, struggle, and hardships of isolation and alienation of a Filipino American student from the dominant culture of a predominantly white institution (PWI).

I have then realized that my silence was a prison. Although it was not until recently that I realized this, I have decided to speak up against the norm.

My identity will no longer become anyone's punchline.