During my first year at university, I thought that grades would dictate my life. Then I got involved with different cultural groups and being easily influenced at the time, I submitted to conformity. I loved the idea of experiencing the "college life" and because of that I was easily swayed to believe that my identity belonged to the people I hung around with. The color of my skin, my cultural background, and my otherness became a punchline that I had to deal with constantly. I hid behind laughter and internalized those microaggressions. I took the jokes like punches and I perceived my silence as a form of strength. "I will not let them break me" I thought and I continued on with my life.
"What once was an expression of who I was - acting - also became my hiding place."
Because of these experiences, I began pushing away my cultural identity and laughing at the jokes that were made in my honor. I became a fetishization in the eyes of my white counterparts and I was the token Filipino/Hawaiian. My dark skin equated to diversity and my height became a hindrance. For over half of my college experience I wanted a lighter skin color, a taller build, and to become integrated in to the white culture. I became a Greek and joined a traditional fraternity. I began embracing that culture and took part in its many activities. I loved being a "bro" to my friends who were not part of it because it made me feel like I boosted my social status. (Don't get me wrong, I love my fraternity).
Then I went to Australia and everything changed. I had too much time on my hands and self-reflection became a part of my daily routine. The 15 minute commute to the beach made me question "what the f**k was I doing with my life" and "why I was so unhappy." These questions came easy; the answer, on the other hand, did not. Going back to the states made me realize that I was running from my problems. Of course, I did nothing about it. I went back to the party scene - no responsibilities, no job, nothing - what did I have to lose?
My moment of clarity did not come until my last year of college. Even now, as I write this piece, I am still learning more about myself that I did not realize before. I've become too complacent. I have become so saturated within this American culture that I am beginning to regret the opportunities that I have missed out on. I have pushed away my Filipino identity so much that I'm not sure where to begin. I don't even remember speaking the language. However, self-blame is not conducive to change and so I am beginning to take part in more conversations about social justice, diversity, and cultural differences.
Higher education has provided me with a context to examine and work toward disrupting forms of oppression, specifically racism, sexism, and classism. As I navigated through college amongst the white bodies at my university I have experienced the pain, struggle, and hardships of isolation and alienation of a Filipino American student from the dominant culture of a predominantly white institution (PWI).
I have then realized that my silence was a prison. Although it was not until recently that I realized this, I have decided to speak up against the norm.
I have then realized that my silence was a prison. Although it was not until recently that I realized this, I have decided to speak up against the norm.
My identity will no longer become anyone's punchline.
