Complexity of being an Immigrant and an Activist

I've been grappling with this thought for quite a while now and I've sort of evaded reflecting on this topic with more success than I could imagine. However, recent events and the racial tensions within our country have almost coerced me to unpack this truth that kept me from truly becoming a leader within my community.

I am an Immigrant. I am an Activist. But I cannot be both at the same time. 

How could I? 

I am a first-generation student whose family emigrated from the Philippines nearly 18 years ago and these are the the realities that I was always afraid of facing.

The reason why I was afraid of reflecting on this issue was because I was scared of feeling marginalized from those around me. I don't like feeling left out and by stating that I am an immigrant, I was under the impression that I would be treated differently; treated as the other. This has made me revisit some internalized oppressions that I thought I had already come to terms with. I feared being made fun of for being from another country; for having an accent; for not being a local. I was afraid of not fitting in with the other kids and I was (and possibly still am) not ready to feel this way. Because of these assumptions that I learned growing up, I have become afraid...almost to a point where I feel stuck.

There are times when I tell myself that I should just be complacent. But the lack of action would not sit right with me. It would be unfair for those who see potential in me. It would be unfair for my parents who have sacrificed so much for me to pursue a higher education. It would be unfair for those who are struggling with more issues than I currently am.

Yet I still cannot find my voice when it comes to activism. I feel as if I have a good grasp on social justice and equitable practices but I cannot push too hard because of not knowing how far the law could protect an immigrant like myself. I want change. I'll ask for it. But I do not feel comfortable leading any initiative.

"If you commit any crime as a U.S. citizen, you will face criminal penalties. However, as a non U.S. citizen (even if permanent resident), if you commit any crime, in addition to all the criminal penalties, it is also an immigrant problem. Additionally, you will be taken to an immigration judge and your legal status may be jeopardized in the U.S., you may lose your green card or have serious consequences on being able to apply for U.S. citizenship in the future." 

I am afraid of speaking out and attending protests because although I am a permanent resident, I still am not fully protected by the constitution. Even during times of silent protests there is a possibility of police push back. And this unknown is what scares me.

Even speaking out too much could get me into trouble. In truth, I sometimes envy those who are able to speak out for others. That is a privilege that not many people think about but it is a privilege nonetheless.

Because of these fears, I've come to feel inadequate as a student leader. My voice wavers and my ideas trail off. I am afraid of being an activist. And I am still trying to navigate how to accept my immigrant identity yet become an activist/ally during these tough times for communities of color.

I am at a crossroads...and I realize that it'll take time for me to become comfortable addressing social justice issues and this non salient identity I hold. I guess it'll be another thing to add to the list of things to do during my journey in grad school.