My Sexuality is my Own

And I am officially ‘coming out’ as pansexual.

As a disclaimer, I am one that dislikes binaries (between masculinity and femininity) and labels altogether.

Interestingly, human sexuality is a complex topic and is too often oversimplified in ways that leave people wondering what’s wrong with them, when in reality, the narrow ideals ingrained in our society is what is limiting our understanding of it. 

It took me a while to understand my own sexuality, and even longer to ‘come out’. 

However, I must admit that the ambiguity of my dating and sex life has allowed me to understand myself and my preferences regarding potential partners.

“Pansexual” is a term many are unfamiliar with. “PANSEXUALITY” is defined as:

the potential for sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction towards persons of all gender identities and biological sexes.

Essentially, this means that I am someone who can experience sexual attraction, emotional love, and a romantic relationship with a person of any sex or gender identity. And, although I identify as pansexual, the term, just like any other referring to one’s sexual preference, differs from each person. 

Frustratingly enough, people often times equate can with will. While I have the ability to fall for someone of any sex or gender identity, that’s not actually saying I have a wider dating pool than anyone else. There are so many factors that play into attraction—to say that one is limited solely by what a potential partner has in their pants is like saying the only factor that determines a good meal is the type of plate it’s served on. But like the factors that go into a good meal, a desired partner is so multifaceted, so divergent that it is frustrating when people assume that I am attracted to everyone. 

In truth, I’m pretty picky about who I choose to bed and who I choose to love—pickier than many of my friends regardless of orientation. While sex and gender presentation are not one of them, many factors limit who I will find attractive. I have a thing for piercing eyes and warm smiles. Usually I fall for people who are more mature. I want a lover who has a sense of humor, of purpose, of humility. I need someone who can match my wit, who gets as teary as I do when confronted with the gorgeousness of reality. I need someone who could support my overextended schedule. Someone who is romantic and committed without ever forgetting the importance of individuality. Someone I could see in my life for years to come. Someone who is comfortable being vulnerable and willing to discuss social inequities. Someone who takes life by the horns and enjoys the simple things. Above all, someone who is open and understanding, who thinks before they act and who would never do anything with the intent to harm.

This process is difficult because I am still figuring out what being pansexual really means to me. I struggle with not knowing what systems to work in or whether there are certain expectations that come from this label. It's almost as if I, again, am part of an invisible minority within an already minoritized group. In coming to terms with my sexuality, I am again thrown into a different identity development phase. 

So here I am, ‘coming out’ as pansexual and owning the fact that my sexuality is definitely my own.